You died on Nov 8 2004 at 7:45pm.
At the time of your passing I was on a plane heading to your home. It was the longest plane ride I have ever taken in my life. We arrived at 8pm, 15 minutes too late. It was all very surreal and as I saw your stiff, cold body in the early hours of the following morning I could not believe that you had been breathing, your heart pumping and blood coursing through our veins hours before.

It really is unbelievable and I finally understood that what we are is not a body, it isn't physical; because you were gone. The body in the casket was not you. It looked like an empty shell you had outgrown and simply left to find a better one.

Death has always been a matter of transition for me. I don't see it as oblivion or an end to *us* as separate identities, but a passing to another place where we are spiritual beings. And if I believe (because I do) that we pass to be with God, then why are funerals so sad? People dressed in black and mourning, if what we should be doing is rejoicing she has finally passed on to be with God?

In my own selfish reason it is simple. She didn't want to leave, not yet. Her death was as painfully lucid as they come. She was awake and lucid till the last moment. I can't even begin to imagine what that must be like, knowing you are dieing and all that exasperation, pleading, praying God knows what that goes on in our minds... that went through hers as her family was gathered around her. All that was missing was my mom, and my grandma fought with every ounce of her body to stay here to see her. That morning we called the hospital, and aunt answered and even though she was too weak to speak, my aunt herd the phone to her ear as my mom spoke to her and then I spoke to her and it was the worst phone call of my life. All that I could hear was the life support system filling her lungs with breath b/c they were too weak to work on their own. And even then, I prayed for God to save her because she was fighting for it so badly.

On the plane ride, at 7:45pm I felt her passing. It was a sudden, exhaustion that came over me with the realization she has passed deep in my heart. I looked at the clouds the plane was flying by and I tossed the gut feeling aside, looking at my watch to remember the time as to prove that my so called intuition was crap and as we landed I would prove it by her being alive.

Now a year later, I think about her constantly. And i have to bottle up all the plans I had for going traveling and buying her this and than... that's all gone. And I know that material things aren't the most important thing, but as human beings we have need for physical/material things to an extent. And I wanted to give those small pleasures because she deserved them.

I can with all honesty and humbleness say that she is the kindest person I have ever known. Her patience was outstanding and her regard for others was nothing short of a miracle. Even with people I know from other sources who treated her with vile actions, she never reciprocated or even spoke ill of them, and would greet them with a smile. She never doubted you, made you feel inadequate and encouraged you in anything with laughter.

I feel so stupid for not telling her all these things while she was here with us, but I thank God I was able to tell her how much I loved her in that phone call. And on this day, as I sit her crying and typing, I pray that once I pass on, you will be there to greet me. I love you.

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